Any club that has this sign outside is my kind of place…



I hate ties, but I hate idiots more.

Jim Says: "Self respect, it's what's for dinner."

It's that time again where I take a few minutes to impart my vast wisdom on the huddled masses and answer...
Reader Email!

Let's dig in, shall we?

Dear Jim,
I'm very worried about the world ending in 2012. What should I do? - Ben, Kansas City, Kansas

Hi Ben. Well, first off, I'm not worried about it. The Myans were notoriously wrong about many, many things. They believed Van Halen was WAY better with Sammy Hagar. A tablet discovered recently in a Myan ruin has been translated to read "Dewey Defeats Truman!" Not ot mention, the first three pyramids they built were made out of cheese, a primitive form of Gouda, to be exact.
On a side note, if you've never had Gouda in the rainforest, you simply must!

Dear Jim,
What happens when you put a lightsaber in water? - Dave, Packwaukeem, Wisconsin

Dave, get some help. Leave the house, kiss a girl, do something. It's not too late. ALMOST, but not "too".

Dear Jim,
I'm not sure what to do. My girlfriend of 3 years and I have been living together since last June. Right around Christmas, I noticed that she was behaving differently, a little distant, just not the same. I suspected something was up and decided to do a little investigating. I hid a camera in our apartment and found out that she's been having an affair with her "friend" Cheryl for the last few months.

What's got me really torn is, I'm not sure if I should create a website or go straight to DVD and find a distributor. -Bill, Naples, Florida

Bill, shame on you! I am shocked and appalled! Is this even a real email? This is just the kind of crap I'd expect from Flori-duh!

First of all DVD is dead. Your manufacturing overhead is going to be very disproportionate to your profits. Not to mention interstate commerce laws, etc. A subscriber based website is a much better business model, plus with cheap servers space to be had overseas, well beyond the reach of U.S. law, you can have free reign with content. But hey, the choice is yours. By the way, thanks for the video. Feel free to send more.

Got a question for Jim? Send it here.


Jim Says: "Thanks for all the cards and letters, you people out there in TV land."

Many years ago, King Clyde Glunk faced a dilemma. His kingdom was about to come under siege by the Romans as they advanced through Europe.

The King stepped onto his balcony and addressed his people..

"My citizens, we have a grave decision to make. The Roman army is approaching and we are badly outnumbered with no chance of victory. If we fight, we will most likely be overrun with very few survivors left to tell our tale. However, if we abandon our small kingdom to flee and hide throughout Europe, our culture will be lost and forgotten in the sands of time. I will not order you to fight. Instead, I leave the decision to you, good people. Shall we face the oncoming onslaught and fight to defend our way of life, or shall we run? I shall return in the morning for your answer."

The next day, King Clyde Glunk, weary from a sleepless night, made his way to the balcony to once again address his people.

"Good people, I ask you. Do we run and hide? Or do we head onward into battle?"

There was silence as a lone representative from the crowd made his way to the front. He stopped, and looked up at his King. He removed his hat and began to speak...

"Your Majesty," he said, "as your loyal subjects, we have discussed this long into the night. We have weighed every option, and have come to a solid conclusion."

"What say you?" asked the King.

"We shall not run and hide. We shall... MARCH FORTH!"

And that's how we came to celebrate this holiday. May you and yours have a glorius March 4th.

- Respects to Sam Sunderman

I've always said that, "Life is like a buffet, and I want a little bit of everything on my plate before I pay the bill." So today, I sampled a new entree. NASCAR. I attended the Sam's Town 300 at Las Vegas Motor Speedway. That was a lot of fun. If you ever get the chance to attend a race, definitely go. One thing that is a must, rent the radio that allows you to listen to the drivers. That adds a whole new dimension to the sport.

Hearing the drivers and crews talking to each other was interesting, and helped me understand the subtleties of the sport in a whole new way. I may not be big on watching it on television, unless Danica Patrick is running, but I'll certainly head to the track at every opportunity.




Jim says: "America is all about speed - hot, nasty bad-ass speed."

I can't believe it!






I remember the first time I saw "Jersey Shore", my initial thought was, "I need to put away as much money as possible, because there is no fucking way THAT generation is going to be able to pay my Social Security!"

Then "Snooki" waddled across the screen and I thought, "Wow, I didn't know Buddy Hackett's grandson is an autistic transvestite?!?"

Next, I saw JWoww and instantly lost my train of thought. (J, call me.)

Long and the short of it is, who really gives a shit about these people? I don't. You've got 6 kids living rent free in a beach house, "working" at a t-shirt store, and trying to live up to a stereotype straight out of a bad 70's series. This show is a waste of electricity, at best. It's for the kind of morons who fap to girls on "16 and Pregnant".

Jim Says: "Where is Richard Biegenwald when you need him?"