Slicing Spam
(A rant in C)
by Jim Cavalier

According to an article I read in the Post-Gazette, 40% of all email traffic is spam and that percentage is expected to increase. A few years ago, spam accounted for less than 10% of all email traffic. So, is this a problem? You bet your sweet ass it is. Here's why. Not only does the internet house the world's foremost collection of porn, but it also accounts for a large amount of the communication for global business. Diplomats use the interent to communicate with their leaders. Companies sell products via the web, people participate in auctions, pay taxes, trade ideas, socialize and do research on the internet. The speed at which all that happens, has been steadily decreasing due to useless information being sent in hopes of getting some tech-savvy, but otherwise moronic, person to buy into a pyramid scheme, or purchase a product that would otherwise be laughed off the shelves at any store in the world.

There's nothing wrong with advertising, television and radio stations, as well as newspapers, magazines, many other businesses rely on selling ad space as a major source of income. That's how the poulation at large finds out about goods and services that are available. So far, no problem. Commerce at work, as it should be. So what's the beef? (Or beef by product, as the case may be.) Well I'll tell ya. When I sign on to the internet, I pay a fee. It's a monthly fee, but it used be hourly, as many still are depending on provider. Which means, I'm being charged to read advertising I don't want. It's the same thing as a collect sales call. I don't know why the legislators who claim to be looking for a legal solution haven't come up with this. But, I have a plan until they do legislate this problem out of existence.

From now on, I will track down the originator of every piece of unsolicited spam I get. It takes a little doing, but all websites have a registry with the owners name, address and phone number. Once I have that information, I will send them an itemized bill totalling $75 for my time as a computer consultant.

This will be sent along with a copy of the original email, and the research papers. There will also be a letter explaning the charges and requesting payment within 30 days, else legal action will be taken. All I need now is a lawyer to help me go along with this that I can use for a contact address should they have any questions. In exchange, I'll pay a small fee out of every check I get. I think it will work. After all, joke 'em if they can't take a fuck.

©2002 JimCavalier.com